Bring Out the OJ

Just when you thought you were done with court room drama, OJ Simpson waltzed his way back into your living room.

First of all: Whether you think he's guilty of a double homicide or not, he's still a person. Since he was acquitted and not found innocent, there is still room for doubt. But, 12 people couldn't come to a unanimous decision and that, my friends, is how the American legal system works. A jury of peers (as provided under the Bill of Rights) listens to two sets of attorneys try to convince them that the accused is either guilty or innocent. It can be a fun prospect if you're a sado-masochist or are at all interested in analysis of facts and truth.

I'll let you wonder which one I am.

Second of all: If someone steals your stuff and plans to sell it, there are procedures in place to get it back. Speaking from experience, those procedures don't work. Unless there's a movie camera on the cop's shoulder. Even then, I have my doubts.

Third of all: If any average citizen were to bust down a door to reclaim their own stolen property, brandishing a handgun (for which he possessed a license), I dare say no one would bat an eye. In fact, I think he may actually receive a medal of commendation.

Instead, Mr. Simpson received an arrest warrant.

"He was stealing sports memorabilia!" the prosecution wailed.

He was reclaiming HIS stuff. The last time I checked, OJ Simpson was...a football player. He was a running back. I would think he would probably have some sports memorabilia related to, say, the Buffalo Bills or the 49'ers. Just a guess. So, the people in Las Vegas who were "assaulted" by Mr. Simpson and five other guys (four of which have changed their stories and turned states' evidence, I might add...anyone else smell something rotten in Denmark?)

I understand you have to prove the stuff was yours before you reclaim it. We learn this in school. But, you know what? Just like in school, when someone takes your stuff--you take it back. Erase, if you can, the previous trial. Start fresh--just like the jury has to. Do you honestly believe that OJ Simpson would bust into a hotel room with five other guys, allegedly brandishing guns, and demand to take only the stuff that belonged to him--IF IT DIDN'T?! He's dumb, but not that dumb.

Give it up, folks. Seriously. There are so many better things to do with your time than try to get OJ Simpson behind bars for something you can't even PROVE he did! I'm sorry, you can believe he killed Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ronald Goldman all you want. There is no solid PROOF that he did. There is circumstantial evidence. There is a messy crime scene. There were errors. You want to know why Simpson was acquitted? Shoddy police work.

You want to know why he's, once again, infesting your living rooms with his smug mug? Shoddy police work. Just stop already. How is this even news worthy?! Who in Bixby's Nine Hells even CARES? Half of America thinks he was guilty the first time around, the other half of America thinks he was innocent...and the third half doesn't give two sticks!

Whatever. I'm done with OJ. I was done with OJ after the third week of the first trial. I got bored with the prosecution trying to convince me that one man killed two people the way they had it set up. In-friggin-possible. Even for a running back. No dice. Next theory please?

Do I think he did it? Maybe... but, I'm pretty positive he knows exactly what and how it went down and he's not sharing it for reasons beyond us.

Do I think this case in Las Vegas is legit? You're joking, right? Armed robbery and kidnapping--I don't think so. Show me the gun. According to the defense, the prosecution's "recorded conversation" of the event proves th---

Wait, what?

There was an audio recording of the deal? Did Mr. Simpson know about this recording?! *sniff* Set up, much?