The New Symbol of America

...from an e-mail from my SO....

Official Announcement: In Light of the 'Bailout'

The Federal government announced today that it is changing its symbol from an Eagle to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. See, a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.




Yes, I know this thing has been floating about for awhile and from several different countries. At least it's while Bush is in office and not Clinton. I'm sure there's a sexual reference you can make there. I don't have to do it for you. Just remember this link...

My job here is done.

Trojan Ma'am?

This article--well, it's not really an article as much as it is a write up--just...there are not words. Since the article is so short, lemme just paste it here:

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. - Police in Port St. Lucie are on the lookout for a cross-dressing man who snatched a 74-year-old woman's purse. As if that weren't odd enough, they're depending on a strange clue. The suspect left behind a condom filled with water he had been using as a fake breast.

The woman said she believed the thief followed her while shopping. A witness told investigators he was wearing a short denim skirt and black tube top, and fled in a silver car with two other male crossdressers.

Police are processing the condom for fingerprint and DNA evidence.

Yep.

You read that correctly.

A water-filled condom.

Just -what- brand of condom are these drag-queens using?! And, are they making Maxine-esque boobs?! I mean, it's been my experience that condoms are made to be long and skinny...ya know, like a penis.

Yes, I said penis. Thank you, Beavis.

Let's be mature, here. We all know what condoms are for. They're for somewhat ensuring that you don't end up like Gov. Palin's daughter. Yes, yes, I went there. I went there because you're already thinking it. You know you are. It's the hottest news topic. And one, I might add, I've already talked about. So, yeah. Condoms. They come in many flavors and styles.

Which...makes me wonder...

What flavor was this water-filled fake boob?

Maybe it was the only use he could find for the extra-large condoms he thought he could impress someone with by buying them...

Who knows.

But, the mental image I have of a guy with water-filled condoms for boobs...just... well, to say it's disturbing is an understatement. I mean...were they hanging? Were they length-wise? Inquiring minds want to know!!! As disturbing as it is, it's like a train-wreck and you just can't stop staring...no matter how much you want to...

I can't really rant on this as much as I can just sit here and poke fun... Just...to know that this was somehow newsworthy...

The mind boggles...

"Paging Mr. Darwin...your species are multiplying..."

American Responsibility

So, I was trolling MSNBC for a news article worthy of my angst and ire when I came across the headline in the "Health" area: The Pill Makes Women Pick Bad Mates. The Pill. Birth control pill. The Pill makes women pick bad mates. It holds a gun to their head and says, "Choose this moron over here!"

The pill makes women pick bad mates.

As if most women need assistance in this area...

When is America going to stop blaming everything but the individual for the problems the individual has? Seriously. Let's look at this "Pill" making women make bad relationship decisions...

The pill puts a woman's body into a hormonally pregnant state (the reason she doesn’t ovulate), and during that time there would be no reason to seek out a mate.

Duh?

While several factors can send a woman swooning, including big brains and brawn, body odor can be critical in the final decision, the researchers say. That's because beneath a woman's flowery fragrance or a guy's musk the body sends out aromatic molecules that indicate genetic compatibility.

So... when a woman's on the pill, they prefer guys who have a similar scent to them. The reason this is bad is most people who are mated to someone with a similar scent have a wandering eye and are more prone to infidelity.

So, maybe science can back that up, but...It's still your choice to sleep around. You can control your brain and your body. It's a choice to go to bed with someone you don't really know and wake up in the morning next to them, wondering what you were thinking. It's a choice to say, "Ya know, I'm not that kind of person." It's a choice, America.

I would be pro-choice in that I fully support the ability to not make myself look like an idiot and pass the blame to someone else. "I spilled the hot coffee I just ordered in my lap! It's the barista's fault for not telling me it was hot!"

People. Please. Own up and take some responsibility.

Alcoholism is not a disease. It's a choice. Obesity is not a disease in most cases, it's a choice. CHILDHOOD obesity is not a disease. If you're seven years old and you sit on your butt and play video games or watch tv instead of going outside and playing tag or hide-n-seek or riding your bike or roller skating, you're going to be fat! Have you ever seen a fat skateboarder? How about a fat surfer? And what about those kids in the Olympics?

It's a choice.

So, the next time you've made a choice and you don't like the outcome of your choices, grow a backbone and say, "Yeah. That's me. I did that." Take ownership and work to improve yourself. There's so many better things the government could spend its money on than why you made a bone-head choice. We don't need to fund a science project to find out why you made a bad relationship choice. We don't need to spend taxpayer money on lawyers for people to sue McDonald's because they chose to eat Big Macs every night for five years and now have blocked arteries and weigh 900lbs.

It's a choice.

Make yours and deal with it.